RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 3/14/2008 7:28:51 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 2101
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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Pullin out the stops on the little johnny jokes
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 3/17/2008 7:09:45 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 2101
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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My granny told me this one:
HOW TO GET RID OF FIREANTS
We all know that to get rid of fireants, you must kill the queen ant.
First buy a can of snuff, (copenhagen or similar).
Sprinkle it on top of the fireant mound.
The worker ants will take the snuff down to the queen.
When she comes up to spit, step on her!
That joke works a lot better when your audience thinks it isn't a joke at first....
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 3/31/2008 7:49:18 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 2101
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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If you have sex with a hooker against her will, is it shoplifiting or rape?
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 4/2/2008 11:01:06 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 2101
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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C'mon people post them jokes!!
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 4/4/2008 10:55:45 AM
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2tallcustomz
Posts: 83
Joined: 3/6/2008
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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bullseye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 4/4/2008 11:04:59 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 2101
Joined: 7/12/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 4/4/2008 1:10:53 PM
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rabbit0102030
Posts: 466
Joined: 4/3/2007
From: New Braunfels, TX
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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 4/4/2008 1:12:44 PM
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rabbit0102030
Posts: 466
Joined: 4/3/2007
From: New Braunfels, TX
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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RE: ALL JOKES HERE!!!!!- official joke thread - 4/4/2008 3:20:57 PM
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2tallcustomz
Posts: 83
Joined: 3/6/2008
Status: offline
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One day George Bush was at the beach when he saw in the sand... written in piss "George Bush Sucks!!!" So he called dectives over to find out whos piss this was. About a week later the dectives came up to George and Said "Sir, we have good news and bad news. Which do you wanna hear first?" George said he wanted the good news. So the dectives said to him "It was Dick Chaneys piss." Then George asked the bad news. And they sad that the bad news was that it was his wife's hand writting.
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