THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2004:



Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]


Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]




Is There a Ring of Debris
Around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]




Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]



Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]


Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]


Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]



Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]



Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]



New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]



Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]



Kids Make
Nutritious
Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]



Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]



Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]



Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]



And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said]